Bedtime Stories

I'm sitting here, in complete darkness, thinking about where my life is going. I've taken a complete 180 from the person I used to be. This time last month, I was getting drunk nearly every night. And not just drunk, I was drinking myself into oblivion. And stupidly driving home. Sometimes, I wonder how I'm still alive. It's been a tough few weeks. Alcohol was something I thought I could never give up. Not only have I given up alcohol (for now), but I've also quit smoking. Kudos to me for that one. It doesn't even feel like it's been that long. But when you quit something you love, a few weeks seems like an eternity. What happened to me? Well, I know exactly what happened to me. I got taken advantage of and I almost died. Not ready to talk about the details just yet. One thing I am thankful for are my friends. Two of my girls helped me out of that nightmare. If it weren't for them, I could possibly not be here. I wouldn't say I regret what happened, I think that predicament woke me up. It made me realize that I can't keep running away from my issues by performing nightly alcohol binges. It wasn't helping me at all. And maybe in some skewed way, it was God's way of telling me to slow down. It's messed up. Sometimes, I secretly wish things didn't end the way they did. I should have just died. It sounds selfish, but it's true. I don't really matter to my family. They make me feel like I'm a huge inconvenience and I'm just sick and tired of it. If it weren't for my friends and my one and only nephew, I would have already swallowed all of my sleeping pills. It's difficult to deal with being unappreciated. But I just feel like that's what it's going to take for them to realize that I'm not a burden. I don't know how I feel anymore. It's hard to put into words.

Anyway, I can't write anymore. It's sad that I express my feelings more on this blog right now than I do to anyone. Yeah, my life sucks. Where is the bright side of it all? I'm looking forward to seeing that, if there is.